snowy day at yoshis island and a big lie

[maishi]

Banshi was so excited he got up and all he saw outside was snow he called his friend jacobyoshi and Yo wasup jacob did u see outside we could make 50000000000 snow forts well thats too bad jacob siad why cuz im sick i have to go achooo ok cya. If jacob ant play outside i will have to bring the snow inside his house im going to have to get alot of shouvels and alot of friends so he went to joshis house and said will u help me bring to snow in to jacobyoshis house haha r u crazy i will never do that evan if he was dieing. oh god i guess jacob wont have no fun unless i buy a snow blower but that cost all of of my yoshi coins and i was saveing up for a yoshi egg o well. Hi i whold like to buy the snow blower ok 378 yoshi points what i thought it was 10 yoshis points where have u been kid o my friend is sick and he cant play in the snow some im trying to get all the snow outside of his house into the ouside of the house.Is ur name banshi yes it is i heard u were a nice kid well i guess ok well i will lend u my snow blower for one yoshi point but if u break it u will have to pay the whole price and i will get my gang of evil archers to kill u with there dark arrows omg.Shold i take it or not il take it ok.Here i come jacob blowing snow into jacobs room how fun what r u doing miss jacob said im puting snow in your house since jacob is sick jacobs not sick hes out playing with keshi who told u he was sick never mind CRACK o no the snow blower broke i wasted my time for nothing but death. see how one lie can make some one die so remember dont lie or u might end up like banshil. The end

By:maishi

[Lazo]

What can I key? Flinging ideas just isn't working for you.

You're still using short-cuts and refusing to enter quotes ("").

Details are absent. Telling the reader what the moral is, or, should be removes any impact it would of have had.

The large, empty space leads me to believe that you're doing this on purpose, trying to annoy us. That's not the case, isn't that so?

[maishi]

lazoshi lisen im new and im sorry that im messing up i hope i make a story u like sometime please forgive me and add me on msn [e-mail]

[Lazo]

I have a feeling I'm going to be dragged into something tedious...

...Sure, Mine's [e-mail].

[joshi]

maishi said:

lazoshi lisen im new and im sorry that im messing up i hope i make a story u like sometime please forgive me and add me on msn [e-mail]

Ookay, that was random. Anyway, I got rid of the extra space for you all.

[melons]

maishi said:

lazoshi lisen im new and im sorry that im messing up i hope i make a story u like sometime please forgive me and add me on msn [e-mail]

YO maishi will never be on again for a good reason

[Lazo]

What? Why?

...Was he suicide-bombed by Islmaic Fundamentalists?

[Teo]

Ha ha ha Lazo, very funny.

I'd say to make paragraphs, say complete words (instead of like R U Ready? say the actualy sentence.) put quotations, and coma's! What is that number?

Copyied: 50000000000

Edited: 50,000,000,000

Oh...it's 50 billion.

And also exclamation sparks up the story a bit. Instead of achooo. it would be Achooo!!! Or...think outside the box. ACHOOOOOO!!!

Mainly it's grammar that has come back to haunt you...

[melons]

Lazoshi said:

What? Why?

...Was he suicide-bombed by Islmaic Fundamentalists?

HES not going to come on again cuz u guys were to harsh on him he was only a noob

[Lazo]

Too harsh? ...You are sure?

Look, I could have entered nothing. But that wouldn't help him. In order to become a better writer, a person needs criticism, needs others to tell them where they can improve and why.

I do not see the comments as harsh. Short, to the point and without malice. Beating around the bush only obscures any points a critiquer would be trying to make.

Reading and considering the advice, instead of getting insulted by it, is the key to becoming a better writer. Being a "NooB" is not an excuse to be used to escape criticism.