Planet Yoshi's: Ch1

[Angela]

Chapter 1: Start the Beginning
One great and nice day, Ratoshi walked to the icecream shop. He really wanna have an Magnum. So he walking really fast to come to the ice-cream shop fast, then (just guess?) Jack yoshi walking infront if him.
- What the hell are yoshi doing here, Jack?
- I really wanna do something!
- What?
- Adventure should be nice!
- But, we don’t have an adventure. We just stand here and…
And Jack walked to Yoshi Safe.
- He never understand it…
When Jack was home, the telephone called. Ding, Ding!!
- Who’s calling now?
Jack said with a angry voice. When Ratoshi appear in the door, Jack talked with some jerk!
- Who is calling? Ratoshi asked.
- Schh!!!!!
What the hell is he tinking about? Ratoshi thinked…
- Done! Jack screamed.
- Who was it?
- Some jerk from Microsoft Works Processinal News…
- Weird.
To be continued...

[red.yoshi]

lol, strange! cant wait for more.

[Lazo]

I'm afraid that I have no idea what's going on.

If you're sticking with play, then at least list who's speaking, like

Thermistocles: Popacles, get over here!
Popacles: Whaddaya want?
Thermistocles: Check out the Weinerschnitzl with the souped-up civics.
Popacles: Yeah, I hate those guys.

If you're doing play format, then you shouldn't have dialouge and description on the same line. It makes things even more complicated for the reader.

One of the big weaknesses of Play format is lack of details. Spending more time setting the scene would improve it's strength.

[Angela]

I don't understand you. what do you talking about?

[yro Pedward]

Sweet Fan Fic there! Gotta love it! ;D

[Gene L.D. Ryoko]

i can't tell who is talking or whats going on

[Yoshee&Champ]

Yeah, it's pretty confusing. Who's talking? Is it a human cursing, or are they both Yoshies?

[Angela]

can't you understand anything. what "ho's talking"
EVERYBODY IS YOSHIS. Have you didn't got that?
In Sweden we do dialouge like this:

- Tja! sa Roshi med en hes röst.
- Tjabba, Roshi! Svarade Eoshi tillbaka

I do not do dialouge like:

Toshi: TJENARE!!!
Eoshi: Tjabba!!!