Nate's AdventureCh6 and 7

[nate]

Ch6-The eyescar town
As Nate and his friends walk into a sudden
staircase to eyescar castle, they saw a town
nearby. Some of his friends say goodbye.
These pepole are:Cayoshi and Midnight.
Midnight:Bye! See you guys another time!
Cayoshi:Yea!
Nate:Bye!
Rad:Wow dudes! This place is like..AWSOME!
Red:I will take your word for it.
Rad:Why?
CJ:Well because the castle is creepy right? Well that means this place is creepy too!
Ember:Look! There's a yoshi talking to a sandwhich? Let's
ask what's he doing.
Nate:Fine.
Red:Look CJ! A yoshi stuck to a wall over there!
CJ:Wow! Your'e right! Let's see what's up.
Meanwhile at the aother moment...
Nate:Umm.. What are you doing?
Jacobthehero:Just talking to my own buddy:Sandwhich.
Sandwhich:Hiiiiiiiiii!!!!
Nate: O.O....
Jacobthehero:So what are you doing?
Nate: Oh nothing. Just goin---
Jacobthehero:Me too! Evil monster!
Nate:What the heck ar--
Jacobthehero:GRRRR!!!
Nate:are you Talking about!?
Jacthehero:A rubber ducky.
Nate:*Slaps head.*
Meanwhile back to CJ and Red...
CJ:Wait a minute! That's Anjil stuck on the wall!
Red:YOSHIKEN!
Yoshiken:What?--ANJIL!!!
Anjil:Yoshiken!
Yoshiken:I will put you down gust hang on for a sec..GOT IT!
Anjil:I'm free!
Nate:Hi Yoshiken! Got Anjil back huh?
Yoshiken:HELL YA!!!
Nate:Good! We are off!
Chapter7:The saddness
Nate has gone out from eyescar town now
he takes revenge on eyescar castle. But will he?
Nate:Time to open the door!
Everybody but not Nate:We will stay out here.
Nate:Fine.
Door:Closes
Nate:Hmm... No one here.
Timy yoshi:Look! A lite blue yoshi!
Yoshi Soul:I hate that stupid monster. If he was on my
Forums, I would bann him.
Timy yoshi:Tell me about it.
Nate:Hey guys. Why are you two locked up?
Yoshi Soul:Because that monster locked us up.
Nate:What monster? What do you mean? A yoshi or a monster?
Yoshi Soul:Both! Those retarded morons!
Timy yoshi:Relax Soul.
?:Yeah Relax..
Yoshi Soul:Shut-up you miserble moron!
?:We don't talk like that now first I will kill
that pathetic lite blue yoshi. Muhaha!!!
Yoshi Soul:NO!! Not my Forums member!
Nate:*Unlocks Timy yoshi's and Soul's arm lockers swiftley* there! Run!
?: Oh morth!
Nate:Who is morth!?
Morth:Muhaha!! I am the evil monster that will kill
you!
Nate:NOOO!!!
Morth:*Throws a HUGE hammer at Nate*
Nate:AHHH!!*Dead*
Then the door slings open
Everybody:Get them--m-m-m...Nate!? Is that you?
Lava yosh:*cries* so you mess with my friends?
Everybody: Die you stupid morons!
All togther they shoot a beam filled with elements..
?:Ahhhh!*dies*
Morth:NOO!!*dies*
A few years later...
Lava yosh:We miss you Nate..
Rad:We really do.
Yoshiken:*Looks down at the ground*
Anjil:It's okay Yoshiken.
L.D and meket:Bye Nate..
Timy yoshi:I feel sorry for him.
Yoshi soul: damn! I lost a Forum member.
Red:I remember the good times we had Nate..Bye..*sniff*
CJ:We were good buddies untill then...
Stolen:Nice meeting ya Nate...
Ember:*cries alot*
Yoshi wannabe:You were a nice kid..Nate..
PinkFloydYoshi:Bye kid...
Cayoshi:Bye...Nate
Midnight:Bye...
Jacobthehero:Bye Nate..
The end


Thanks for reading this! The last part made me kinda cry...

[UMS Author Lava]

(big time crying)
Why'd you have to---
Sorry, got too caught in the fan-fic...

[Yoshee&Champ]

What the heck!? Is that the END!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *pant* NOOOOOOOO!!! It was good

[Jacobthehero]

where is me in the picture

[UMS Author Lava]

Yeah, I can't see me either.
Wait, is it like Rise of the Mushroom Kingdom, kinda, where we go out and stop, I dunno, Bowser, but he wasn't guy who hired those two, but some other guy, like Smithy?
And one of us is sleeping and it was just a dream of things to come, from right when Nate goes in, and he goes in to stop it, therefore rescuing Nate, but getting killed in the process?
So Nate would have to go kill Smithy while, say, one of the girls gets a mystical 1-Up Shroom from a cemetary, and the killed guy rescues Nate as he falls to the spikes?
And then they kill Smithy?
:PYou did mention a Chapter 8 for the movie.

[red.yoshi]

ack...im sorry nate had to die. AND YS SHOWED NO RESPECT! lol. ahh. nice fanfic nate...*snivel*

[Gene L.D. Ryoko]

soul is usualy nicer but waaaaahhhhhhhhhh why did he have to die

[UMS Author Lava]

*glug* (I cried too much. Now my house is too full of tear-water. But anyways, that SO can't be the end! What if--) *GACK!!!* (one moment...) *spits fire to evaporate water*
*HEAVY BREATHING*
Mmkay...What if someone hired the mystery guy and Morth? Ain't someone gonna go after him?!! >:(WE CAN'T LET SUCH INJUSTICE HAPPEN!!!!!



So anyways, may I hav permission to continue on the series? Kind of a sequel thingy?

[nate]

Sorry Jacobthehero and Lavayosh that I couldn't put
ya in there. I don't have that much room.

it's like the rise of mushroom kingdom

Yea! I forgot about that movie.

You did mention there was CH8 in the movie.

Yup. Ch8 is sad. Well not that sad, Nate's soul comes
out of the grave and crying that no one likes him.
Then he sees Jayshi. Jayshi reforms Nate's soul into-
Ooopsss....Don't want to tell you the whole thing but
yea.

[Lazo]

Construction, eeees complete.

You say you had no room, but you could have made room. Stories shouldn't have a pre-set limit, so you can add details essential to make it decent.

You're skipping from point to point again. Slowing down the pace would improve strength.

You're doing a lot of telling. Phrases such as "*dies*" are very ineffective ways of describing the scene. "All togther they shoot a beam filled with elements.." is also ineffective.

It's hard to feel sympathy for the characters, it seems to be relying on an outside source, rather than giving them personality in the story.

[bloodoftheyoshi]

Lazoshi said:

It's hard to feel sympathy for the characters, it seems to be relying on an outside source, rather than giving them personality in the story.

It's gotta be the play format, if you're gonna use play format it's better to use it in an actual play, that way the characters can have a personality based on what they do as well as what they say. This? This is just like reading a script.

[UMS Author Lava]

But still, Nate, can I continue on the thing?

[nate]

Lazoshi said:

Construction, eeees complete.

You say you had no room, but you could have made room. Stories shouldn't have a pre-set limit, so you can add details essential to make it decent.

You're skipping from point to point again. Slowing down the pace would improve strength.

You're doing a lot of telling. Phrases such as "*dies*" are very ineffective ways of describing the scene. "All togther they shoot a beam filled with elements.." is also ineffective.

It's hard to feel sympathy for the characters, it seems to be relying on an outside source, rather than giving them personality in the story.

Man, I'm sorry. you know that I am used to this right?
Maybe anther time I will make a better story insted of
bla:HI!
blabla:Hello.

do I have poremisson to continue on?

yes.

[UMS Author Lava]

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!
I'm so grateful, I could dance!
Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da
Do the Mario!! ;D
Swing your arms from side-to-side...