|
|
Post by Ultraloco on Oct 3, 2005 16:08:27 GMT -5
aug,15,1865,two cowboys will defend the town of hevenly gulch from evil desperadoes, indians, and worst of all, joey the kid. these cowboys are Ultraloco, the 15 year old sheriff of hevenly gluch, and timyoshi, the 5 year old yoshi with a big heart. (shows the sherrif's office with Ultraloco sleeping) Ultraloco: zzzzzzzzz-_-zzzzzzzzzz Timyoshi:Ultraloco! (I fly up and hit the celing) Ultraloco:what?  Timyoshi: the indian chief yoshiken-san is calling! (shows me and timyosh walking to the telegraph office) Nightcroshi:Sheriff! the chief is calling! (I pick up the telegraph and listen to what the chief has to say) (in translated telegraph language) yoshiken-san: Ultraloco! I need your help! Ultraloco:what is it? yoshiken-san: the koopa tribe! they attack! Ultraloco: I'll be right there! |
|
|
|
Post by Yin on Oct 3, 2005 16:14:47 GMT -5
Not bad! Different characters, more easier to read, a BIG step in your story making.
|
|
|
|
Post by Ultraloco on Oct 3, 2005 16:45:25 GMT -5
Ultraloco: to the steam automotive!
(shows timyoshi and me running to the garage next to the sheriff's office)
Ultraloco: here it is!
timyoshi: wow! 0-0
Ultraloco: yes I know, it's cool.
(steam automotive starts powering up)
steam auto:tooot! toot! tooooooooooooooooooot!!!!!!!!!!
Ultraloco:alright, let's go!
(shows steam auto chuffing to Yoshiken-san's tribe)
Ultraloco:alright koopas! perpare to eat lead!
(blasts away most of the koopas)
Ultraloco: Timmy go!
Timyoshi:right! (attacks the remaning koopas)
Ultraloco: koopa tribe, you're under arrest!
(handcuffs koopa tribe)
Yoshiken-san: thank you! if you want to play nintendo with my son and wife, the're in the back tent.
Me and timyoshi:sweet!
(shows inside of tent where kind dragon, who looks like yoshiken only with anjil's wings, and anjil,who looks very cute and pretty are playing on the gamecube)
|
|
|
|
Post by Yin on Oct 3, 2005 16:57:17 GMT -5
That one little last fact near the end was REALLY unnecessarily other than that it okay.
|
|
|
|
Post by Ultraloco on Oct 3, 2005 17:09:25 GMT -5
hold on! the story not over yet!
|
|
|
|
Post by Gene L.D. Ryoko on Oct 3, 2005 18:19:41 GMT -5
your form has gotten better,but you have used people's characters,and you have used joey
|
|
|
|
Post by Yoshifrog on Oct 3, 2005 19:22:45 GMT -5
That one little last fact near the end was REALLY unnecessarily other than that it okay. Yes, the last part wasn't necessary  But good story so far. EDIT: Thanks for changing it |
|
|
|
Post by Lord of the Dance on Oct 3, 2005 21:46:02 GMT -5
It's much easier to read, Loco. I say you have improved on that. ^^
|
|
|
|
Post by Yoshiken on Oct 3, 2005 21:53:06 GMT -5
WOOOT! IM AN INDIAN CHIEF AND IM MARRIED TO ANJIL AND HAVE A SON XD!
|
|
|
|
Post by UMS Author Lava on Oct 4, 2005 14:10:13 GMT -5
Short, but cool. And once again, STEAM makes its way into the story! Woo-berries!!
|
|
|
|
Post by Ultraloco on Oct 4, 2005 15:51:36 GMT -5
Time to work my magic!
(portable teagraph rings)
translated telegraph again:
Ultraloco:Hello?
Nightcroshi:Ultraloco! joey the kid in robbing a train!
Ultraloco: I'll be there!
(normal talk)
Ultraloco: I gotta go, but this was fun, see ya later. syonara!!!!!
(me and timyoshi run to the steam automotive)
Steam auto: toooot! tooooooooooot! toot!
(steam auto takes me and tim to the train)
Joey the kid: Alright dirks! gimme your money!
Ultraloco: stop right there!
Joey the kid: you dirks again!?! that's it! I will put an end to you two!
Timyoshi:We challenge you to a dance off!
Joey the kid: you're on!
(the dance-off last 5 mins before me and timyoshi had served joey)
Ultraloco:That's it joey. you're under arrest.
Joey the kid:noooooooooooooooooooooooo!
(handchuffs joey)
Ultraloco:let's get back to town!
|
|
|
|
Post by UMS Author Lava on Oct 4, 2005 15:54:35 GMT -5
Aw c'mon, Loco! I said "joey78's Doomsday" would be the last fan fic to attack joey78!
|
|
|
|
Post by Ultraloco on Oct 4, 2005 15:56:02 GMT -5
Don't worry, it's a dance off. I didn't attack him.
|
|
|
|
Post by UMS Author Lava on Oct 4, 2005 15:57:00 GMT -5
You know what I mean by "attack"! I mean, like, insult!
|
|
|
|
Post by Gene L.D. Ryoko on Oct 4, 2005 20:22:29 GMT -5
putting him in the story is a better way to put it
|
|
|
|
Post by Lord of the Dance on Oct 4, 2005 22:39:41 GMT -5
Yeah... but at least he used proper grammar with him. It's a very interesting story, Loco. Just try not to include "banned" people in your stories, m'kay?
|
|
|
|
Post by Ultraloco on Oct 6, 2005 19:33:33 GMT -5
Time 4 da 2nd serving! (shows steam auto chuffing down the prarie) Timyoshi: ready for the drive in tonight? Ultraloco: heck yea! ;D hold on, I gotta tie up joey. (telegraph wires appier out of my nose) Ultraloco:Time for a long haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrr Barrier! (does some thing like bobo-bo-bo-bobobo) Joey: eeeekkk!  (jumps off into a abandoned mine shaft but it's comdemmed to where joey is forever trapped in there!) Timyoshi: that's the last of him, ah well! let's get to the drive in! (show steam auto chuffing into and in through town to the drive in) tickey guy: alright, for that thingy, that'll be $5.00. Ultraloco:O.K. (pays the dork) Timyoshi: so, what are we watching? Ultraloco: It's called super mario bros., it's a hit in the east!  |
|
|
|
Post by Yoshifrog on Oct 6, 2005 19:48:54 GMT -5
Good job! And you took Joey out of the story too!
|
|
|
|
Post by Ultraloco on Oct 6, 2005 19:49:53 GMT -5
thanks! lemme know if anyone wants to be in the story. |
|
|
|
Post by Yin on Oct 7, 2005 21:13:39 GMT -5
I would volunteer! The story is going a long great, a few bumps but still good.
|
|
