Marik
Junior Yoshi
Posts: 110
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Post by Marik on Jun 27, 2008 9:51:03 GMT -5
Look, It's a beautiful night,
Moon shining peacefully bright,
Creatures of the Night creating strife,
Wind rustling through the trees,
Forest swaying with the breeze,
The tranquil feeling you get from looking at stars,
the serenity it gives you, even if your day's been hard,
Look at the sky, forget your worries,
Let your thoughts flood you in a hurry,
So how about it? Do what's right,
Go outside and stare at the Beautiful Night....
*Author's Comment*
People have told me over the past that I have a knack for poetry, so,what do you guys think?
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Post by red.yoshi on Jun 27, 2008 15:52:11 GMT -5
This is pretty good, but definitely not my views on the night. But everyone is different and everyone has a different taste =). Great work, I'd love to see more.
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Post by Sanjo on Jun 27, 2008 21:15:00 GMT -5
Sorry Red, but I have to disagree. I think this is a beautiful piece of literature you have here, Marik. I thoroughly enjoyed it. ;D
I love of the contrast that you create at the beginning, and your imagery is pretty good. It's my style to add as much symbolism and imagery as I can, so don't be afraid to add more. Then again, that's just me. Other than that, this is great! It actually made my day a little brighter! Great work!
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Rocky
New Yoshi
Goodbye and Hello, As Always
Posts: 41
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Post by Rocky on Jun 27, 2008 23:28:31 GMT -5
Great job, I enjoyed it. I would also probably share similar.
If your looking for critique:
I especially like lines 1-2 and 6-11. In between that is where you could maybe improve some stuff. You could add some imagery and a metaphor or simile would be awesome.
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Marik
Junior Yoshi
Posts: 110
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Post by Marik on Jun 28, 2008 12:25:41 GMT -5
Sorry Red, but I have to disagree. I think this is a beautiful piece of literature you have here, Marik. I thoroughly enjoyed it. ;D I love of the contrast that you create at the beginning, and your imagery is pretty good. It's my style to add as much symbolism and imagery as I can, so don't be afraid to add more. Then again, that's just me. Other than that, this is great! It actually made my day a little brighter! Great work! Thank you so much Sanjo!! That really made me feel good!^^ I'm so glad you like it, and thanks so much for supporting it! That positive comment totally made my day, and made me feel so much better about my poetry about myself, and it brightened my day also. Thanks^^ I'll write more! Thanks so much!! ^^ ;D |
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Post by red.yoshi on Jun 28, 2008 13:55:08 GMT -5
Sorry if my comment was rather blunt. I'd disagree more with line 9 as Nighttime for me is more of a time to forget about the day, a relax and let go type of thing. Maybe its just because I've learned about Yoga, and full moon Yoga, and that's how I'm basing my thoughts from the night.
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Rocky
New Yoshi
Goodbye and Hello, As Always
Posts: 41
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Post by Rocky on Jun 28, 2008 15:04:14 GMT -5
Sorry if my comment was rather blunt. I'd disagree more with line 9 as Nighttime for me is more of a time to forget about the day, a relax and let go type of thing. Maybe its just because I've learned about Yoga, and full moon Yoga, and that's how I'm basing my thoughts from the night. I would agree, the poem is slightly contradictory. "forget your worries", "Let your thoughts flood you in a hurry." Those lines seem to contradict each other. Contrast= good contradiction= avoid. I'm not trying to put your poem down at all, but give you ways to improve, after all, isn't that what this whole section is about? |
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Marik
Junior Yoshi
Posts: 110
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Post by Marik on Jul 2, 2008 17:36:26 GMT -5
Sorry if my comment was rather blunt. I'd disagree more with line 9 as Nighttime for me is more of a time to forget about the day, a relax and let go type of thing. Maybe its just because I've learned about Yoga, and full moon Yoga, and that's how I'm basing my thoughts from the night. No, its alright. For me, nightime is a time to recollect my thoughts and think. And I love looking at the night sky and stars. That's the most peaceful thing ever for me. It always calms me down.  I would agree, the poem is slightly contradictory. "forget your worries", "Let your thoughts flood you in a hurry." Those lines seem to contradict each other. Contrast= good contradiction= avoid. I'm not trying to put your poem down at all, but give you ways to improve, after all, isn't that what this whole section is about? Read my previous above comment. |
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