The Galliont Chronicles

[Zanarkand Blitzer]

I'm only posting the prologue and first two chapters here, but I want to know what you guys think. I'm going to try and get this story published, but if it's not good enough, it probably won't happen.
Hope this doesn't sound entirely stupid...
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The Galliont Chronicles ©

-Prologue-

The days of the Old Kingdom of the previously unified continent of Altarius have slipped away, leaving its faded remnants in those few who remember it. Memories of peace and tranquility lost in the chaos, suffocated by the uprising mayhem. All of those serene lives shattered were on that day…
It began with the discovery of one of the Seven Amulets by one twisted man, whose desires would slither their way into history, much like the coils of a malevolent serpent. He was a captain of the Royal Guard in one of the Old Altarian Kingdoms, always seeking greater things that would, at times, eclipse his own ability.
The discovery of this powerful artifact fueled his dreams of conquest, and he brought his pleas before the King himself. Seeing that no good would come of breaking this peace with a still unfathomed object of power, he resolutely denied the man’s insane requests of annexing more land to their already prosperous kingdom.
This angered the power-thirsty man, and after shouting cries of anger addressing the King as a fool, he drew his sword without thinking and attempted to assassinate the King. This strike was parried by none other than the man’s own brother, and following the King’s request stripped the man of his ranks and banished him from the Kingdom.
This man, now furious, sought revenge on the King that had forsaken him, and swore to achieve it by any means. He spent much time traveling, trying to tap into the secrets of the Amulet and its power. Upon his travels he came upon an Oracle. Coincidentally, this Oracle wore an identical Amulet to his own, and with his cunning, was able to deceive the Oracle into disclosing its origins and use. He was told that it was not chance that brought him to find the Amulet, but that his fate was intertwined with others destined to find the other five Amulets.
The Oracle relayed to him that he was the Amulet’s chosen bearer, and he had found a source of great strength not to be used unjustly. Upon hearing its secrets and how to utilize its power, he gathered followers to fight for a new world order under his own command.
Despite his small numbers, he was able to storm this castle with his new-found power and finally brought about his revenge by assassinating the King and taking power over the country, killing off any remaining bloodlines of the Royal Family. He spared his brother, and gave him the option of either joining his Order, or fleeing the Kingdom. His brother chose the latter, under the condition that the next time they met, they would be enemies.
The Kingdom slipped into chaos as their new King, naming himself the General of this new Order, began to expand his Empire with little remorse for the countless lives he took. His brother, garnering the respect of Kingdoms still untouched by the General’s wrath, became Captain of the newly formed Resistance Forces and marched onto the much larger Daeringard Army, failing in every attempt to stave them off. Dwindled and humiliated, the Resistance Forces fled unto lands uncharted and were not seen again…
It has been known that during those times, we faced our darkest hours… But there was a beacon of hope that shined forth, bringing the light like a rising sun that brings dawn to the darkest of nights. Unexpectedly to all of Altarius, a key figure would rise among the fierce tides of war, and once again bring peace to the battle-scarred continent of Altarius. The history of that figure has been recorded, and is known throughout Altarius as: The Galliont Chronicles.
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Gosh, this is hard for me to do. Laying out my childhood fiction story idea out on the chopping block isn't exactly comfortable...
Critique is greatly appreciated, as I'm trying to develop better writing skills.

[Yoshiken]

Doesn't sound stupid at all, in fact, I really enjoyed it. The vocabulary was excellent, and so was the detail. Definitely one of the shorter prologues I have seen, but length doesn't make a lot of the quality of a story, so that doesn't matter much. I think you did excellent though. The only pieces of critique that I can give is a very few amount of grammar mistakes, such as "All of those serene lives shattered were on that day" changed to "All of those serene lives were shattered on that day." I saw a small amount of punctuation errors, such as commas not being in a few places that they should of been. I am trying to find whatever critiques I can, and it is really hard ^^. You did a fantastic job, seriously.

[Zanarkand Blitzer]

Why, thank you! That means alot coming from you. You're a great writer, you know?
It's good to know the time I've spent on it hasn't been a waste. Here's chapter one:
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-Chapter One-

The grand city of Halvale, lying on the edge of Daeringard territory had long since been subjugated by the massive Daeringard forces. It was a shining example of how compliance would be rewarded, as extreme oppression was non-existent here. It was not without a price, however. In return for their sovereignty, Halvale had to offer many young men to recruit in the Daeringard Army every few months. Very few volunteered, so many were recruited against their will, sent off to fight to expand their territory. The people of Halvale offered no resistance and lived under the shadow of Daeringard’s ever-growing empire.
Halvale itself was a large city, stone cathedrals dotted the city, with shops at each corner of the bustling streets, which were shops themselves with a plethora of merchants. At this time, a festival was being held. On that day, many years ago, Sir Ahrimack had led Halvale’s own troops to defend against raiders from the Western Desert. He had done so flawlessly, without his forces receiving a single casualty. An annual festival was held in his honor by the people of Halvale.
For Luke, time seemed to be moving at a monotonous pace in Halvale as he sat upon a wooden crate, waiting for his friend. Luke found it hard to believe that he was getting bored in an alley while the annual festival was raging on heartily all around him. He found himself whistling, pacing, and even passing time by conversing with himself in the alleyway in which they had always met. Luke had wondered if he would actually die of boredom until that telltale voice rang out.
“Hey, Luke! I just fi-…” Not to Luke’s surprise, his clumsy companion had been interrupted when she suddenly tripped on one of the trash heaps occupying the narrow alley. After pulling a discarded fish bone out of her mouth, which had been open at the time she fell, she summoned what little dignity she had left, and finished her previously interrupted statement.
“Anyway, I just finished placing our bets on that hot-coal racing thing. Once we win a lot on that, we’ll have double the marques we started with and we can spend even more on all those wonderful, heavenly pies that Authrie makes!” Ramia finished.
“And if we lose, by chance?” Luke questioned with a concerned eye. Now, Ramia was a very clever girl, but when it came to games of chance, she was as a hot-blooded imbecile as the rest of Halvale’s gambling population.
“Oh don’t fret, I hear that Francis guy couldn’t tread on coals to save his life. It’s a well-reasoned risk! Now let‘s hurry to it before it gets too late!” Ramia happily explained as she cautiously worked her way around the filthy alleyway.
“Oh, joy. I’ve heard that before…” Luke grumbled as he reluctantly followed Ramia. Earlier Ramia had told him that only her brilliant intuition could reasonably judge who would win, and that Luke’s unseasoned head for gambling would just ruin it, hence the agonizing wait.
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“What an unexpected turn of events! Let’s give jubilant cheers for the winner of today’s hot-coal race, Francis of Arladia!” was the grim message faintly heard by Luke and Ramia at the back of the cheering and jeering crowd.
“Well reasoned? Oh, I most definitely agree, Ramia! Why, your uncanny and precise intuition might even grant you the title of Oracle!” Luke sarcastically said as he bowed before Halvale’s newest and most exhalted Oracle.
“ I-It was rigged, that’s all! Those coals Sir Francis were running on were probably coated Archaea! Th-they only looked hot!” Ramia indignantly cried out while unknowingly blushing.
“It’s okay, Ramia. It’s not like you spent all of our marques on betting, right?” Luke cheerfully inquired. Upon receiving an uncomfortable silence as an answer, Luke’s face went pale.
“Surely you jest, Ramia! What will our father think when we come home with naught but empty hands?! How can you call betting every last bit of money we have away ‘well-reasoned‘?! I thought you had it all planned out!” Luke hotly ranted.
“Let’s just grab our seats for the Swordsman’s Duel Exhibition… I hear they’re free.” Ramia changed the subject as quickly as she had ran off, hiding her blushing face.
“Hey! Ramia?! Oh, bother…” Luke reluctantly followed, wondering what vile scheme she had in store now.
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“And now the event you’ve all anticipated, good people of Halsvale! The final duel of the tournament! Who will walk away, girded with laurels, and who will kneel in shame, covered in scratches? Shall it be the honorable Sir Guthrin, the consecutive champion of the previous three annual exhibitions?
Or shall the victor be this anonymous duelist, who thus far, has received not one blow! Truly an impressive feat, for this exclusive tournament of elite swordsmen, but shall it be enough to defeat Halvale’s own ’Juggernaut’? We shall, with widened eyes and short breath, find out…”
Rang the voice of the man, who had always done his job with much gusto, but never considered his talent of exciting the masses on stage. Luke and Ramia both thought he may have been a retired actor, as his voice had such power as to physically draw you in, teeming with suspense.
As Luke was listening patiently, a familiar voice had drained all happiness from his face, and replaced bliss with distress. Rather, not a voice, but in this instance a sigh that had always been used by a certain resident of Halvale that Luke had, for the longest time, resented.
“I don’t see why we have to deal with that annoying man’s constant droning when the outcome is already clear. My father will soon have four victories under his belt, and once again, I will be the addressed as the son of Halvale’s greatest swordsman.”

“Assuming that the belt doesn’t snap, Darsyn…” Luke replied, clearly annoyed at the black-haired boy’s air of superiority.
“Bite your tongue, filthy wretch! Or shall I have my blade do that for you? It would be no trouble at all to show you your place, you peasant!” The youth addressed as Darsyn scathingly spat back, his pale face now retaining a crimson shade.
“Don’t get those silk robes of yours in such a tangle, Darsyn. He was merely stating certain truths in a more, er, light-hearted manner, and wasn’t intending to bring anything slanderous to your father’s good name. Let‘s just watch and see the outcome. You‘re more than welcome to sit with us.”
Ramia tried to explain calmly.
“Ramia?! This isn’t another one of those jokes of yours, is it?!”
Luke muttered to her.
“Well… I suppose this once, I can forgive the injustice, and would be more than delighted to sit with you, Ramia. I really must protest to your taste in company…”
Darsyn looked at Luke as if contemplating how to make him more miserable.
Just as Luke was about to say something, the trumpets sounded, and cheering roared out from the crowd.
“Let the final duel of these two skilled warriors, BEGIN!” the speaker proclaimed.
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There you have it.
Hope you guys like it.

[Shoe]

First off, according to editor's letters I've read in a writer's magazine, they don't seem to like prologues very much, as they find them rather unnecessary. Honestly, I have to agree with them, especially in this case. I'm not saying it's a bad story, not at all. In fact, I think it has potential. What I mean is, I'm sure you would be able to reveal the events of the prologue in the middle of the story, rather than open with explanations. I think that would give the story more depth and seem to flow more naturally to the reader.

While I think it would be best for you to improve on your own, I will point out those things that I believe need improving. I had a rather hard time imagining the setting. I had to do a bit of guesswork there. Perhaps you could be a bit more descriptive. The same can be said for the characters, too. But, don't dedicate a whole paragraph to explaining how a single character looks--that draws away from the action. I love it when writers are subtle about expressing their characters' appearances. Instead of explaining it all at once, they smoothly work those details in through the character's actions, or by some other means, piece by piece. Your characters' dialog tends to seem a bit generic at times, also. It's difficult to use the "Ye Olde" lingo and make it seem fresh. It's certainly doable, though. It just takes a lot of practice and creativity.

I'd like to see more of your writings, though. I want to see what you're fully capable of. You have a lot of potential from what I can tell so far, though. You don't have to use this story to experiment, of course. Try making short stories and use what you learn from those experiences to excercise your writing ability for the stories that are really close to you. Some writers put out several books before they finally publish what they really want to share. But, that's what being a professional is all about! Also, while it may be hard to criticize yourself, especially if you have a lot of pride in your work, it truly helps, and it's just another step closer to becoming a professional. I hope to see your work on the shelves in the future!

[Zanarkand Blitzer]

^ I was waiting for you, specifically. I heard on a different topic you're also an aspiring writer. This kind of criticism is what I grow on. I'm so glad I decided to post this here now. I wasn't sure about the prologue myself, but that's how I started this whole idea. The prologue took me several years to create, but it was only a way for me to kinda' gather the story in one place. I'll have to use some kind of chart or seperate paper if I want to do that, if what you say is correct.

I was really hoping someone would be able to catch me on the detail I'm missing. I wasn't sure how or where to fit in a description of the setting, but I'll figure that one out myself. The charcters I have to agree with you there, now that I think about it. I was about to do what you said NOT to, and give one paragraph of description of a single character.

Indeed, the dialouge isn't easy for me. It'll be very challenging for me to make this work without it sounding generic, or ripped-off from some knight movie.
But hey, this is what it's all about, right? Learn from mistakes and keep trying.
Chapter Two I'm still working on, actually. It was only until recently that I began past the prologue.

[Shoe]

That's right! ;D Writing is my greatest passion. And, I'm glad to hear my critique was appreciated!

As for the prologue, like I said, the prologue itself isn't bad at all. I can see the potential plot twists with those ideas! How you wrote it here, it seemed like a summary of the background story, giving us an idea of what's really going on. In fact, I discovered it's not such a bad idea to do that, after all. You can write the prologue revealing the hidden details for the sake of a cleaner conscience, then take it out after they're all in the story! Just don't spend more time on it than you need to, like I used to do, haha.

An idea you might want to try is to think of the ending of the story as well as the beginning. Even if the idea is as simple as, "The hero prevails over the antagonist." That's just an example of course. Then, you can fill the inbetweens and the ending will evolve with the rest of the story. Not only do you have an idea of where you're going, it's also really fun to watch, and you can get some really interesting outcomes, some of which even you may never have expected. And, if that's the case, then it probably means your readers won't expect it, either! It's also a good way to fill in pesky plot holes.

As for organizing thoughts, outlines are usually my best friends in that area. I have way too much fun with those. Oh, yes, I almost forgot. There's this wonderful word processor that comes in a package called OpenOffice.org. It's completely free, and it's the next best thing to Microsoft Word, if you don't have that. It's easy to use and it's even got a Justified format! That's the format you might often see in books, where everything's lined up all pretty. I highly recommend you check into it!

[Zanarkand Blitzer]

I actually have multiple endings, most of which would be unexpected to the reader. I don't like the idea of an expected ending. If I can accurately predict the next event of a story I'm reading, I quickly become bored of it. This is why the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series was amazing for me. I didn't see a plot twist like that coming at the end, and that's what I enjoy in a piece of writing.
And thank you for the reccommendation, I'll definitely look into it.
You're a great person, Mr.Shoe. =)