Sakura
New Yoshi
I got your bad romance!
Posts: 44
|
Post by Sakura on Nov 18, 2009 19:22:57 GMT -5
Beauty:
"Beauty dances in The ostentatious colors Until she fades black."
Potent:
"Belligerent as it may seem, my hope is at a loss of words. Let the leaves of life spin around my waist, while my eyes sew themselves shut, and my body slams down on the concrete.
There are various beautiful deceptions that I wish to see. Well, more than I see currently."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry, didn't know where to put this in. I'm blind and did not see "General Writing", so I decided to put it in the fan fics section lmao. Well, I wrote these not too long ago, so ya.
|
|
|
Post by Shoe on Nov 18, 2009 22:12:17 GMT -5
There, problem solved!
Very nice expressionate writing. If you don't mind some critique, something I learned in my college creative writing course is that concrete nouns seem to work better than abstract. "...while my eyes sew themselves shut, and my body slams down on the concrete." That was good imagery. I understand that these were written a while back, but if I might suggest, I think you could really improve the beauty poem with an extended metaphor. For instance, I thought of a dimming light shining through a spinning crystal when I read that. I'm glad that you understand that poetry doesn't need end rhyme to be poetry. Slant rhyme is great, though, like the assonance we get from "see" and "currently."
|
|