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Post by Lord of the Dance on Feb 18, 2006 0:38:57 GMT -5
Yes, I decided to rewrite my earlier fanfic. The characters are different, and I hope I explained the plot a bit better...
Chapter One!
One day, Yoshi, Lemon, and Blanco were taking a walk together. Lemon was a docile, sweet girl Yoshi with large, green eyes and yellow skin. Blanco had witty, intelligent blue eyes and white skin. Even though he was small for a Yoshi, the look on his face told you immediately that he could fend for himself. He was a troublemaker, and enjoyed it. Suddenly, a small object appeared in the sky. Yoshi heard a voice calling for help faintly. The object grew bigger, and bigger, until Yoshi and his friends could make out the shape of… A Paratroopa! And it was headed right for them! It waved weakly at them and dropped neatly onto Lemon. “Help…” The Paratroopa said. Lemon held onto it. Blanco stared at the Paratroopa, his head tilted quizzically. “What’s wrong?” Yoshi asked. Had there been an attack on another part of the island, and this was a survivor? The Paratroopa’s wing was bent at an odd angle, and it had many scratches. There was a slight crack on its dull red shell. It looked up at Yoshi. “The boss… something isn’t right. This is Yoshi’s Island, right? You look like Yoshis…” It mumbled to itself. Yoshi thought for a moment. “Yes, this is Yoshi’s Island.” He paused, and then continued. “What’s your name?” “I’m only known as Paratroop two-four-six… in the Red squadron.” It replied. “Male side.” “We’ll call you Troop for short, then.” Blanco decided. “Anyways, why are you here? No one can find our island, unless by accident, I thought.” “One of our… captive escaped, and headed in this direction. I was on guard duty, and he attacked me in order to blast himself out of one of our cannons. He can’t fly, but he can glide pretty well. I chased after him. I think he’s here…” Troop explained. “And our commander wanted to wage an attack on Yoshi’s Island. He wants to have something to show when Lord Bowser comes back.” “That doesn’t sound good…” Lemon worried. “What did it look like he was going to attack with?” “Well, if I told you, that would make me a rebel.” Troop replied. He didn’t look like he wanted to say much more. “But since you guys saved me, I suppose I could tell you. It’s in our honor code to help those that help us, or at least show our gratitude. It looked like he was going to put our new cannons to use and blow the island to bits. Those Bob-ombs are itching to explode, anyways. There’s been talk of it.” Yoshi wasn’t happy about that. “Well, we should take cover soon. Blanco, get on the radio-transmitter and warn the mayors of the other towns around here. Lemon, grab the egglings and make sure they have food.” He directed. Lemon let go of Troop to find the egglings, and Blanco ran off to Yoshi’s house. Yoshi picked Troop up and followed Blanco. “We’ll get you some bandages.” Yoshi told Troop. “That wing must hurt.” “Kind of.” Troop replied. I’m sure the commander won’t attack the island until Splinter is found, and if I find him myself, I’ll surely be knighted. Troop thought to himself. But then a darker thought emerged; ...But if I find and return “Splinter”, then these strange but nice dinosaurs probably won’t have much time to live…
Comments and critiques welcome... and by the way, I plan on describing the situation in the later chapters...
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Post by Teo on Feb 18, 2006 0:41:11 GMT -5
Nothing I can say so far, except that you've started off very well. I sense the start of a very good story.
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Post by Enrique on Feb 18, 2006 8:33:15 GMT -5
I remember you showing this to me a while back (can't remember exactly when though...). It's still a very good beginning chapter.
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Post by Leoshi on Feb 18, 2006 8:44:12 GMT -5
Nice start. ...this is the first time I have heard this story before. keep it up!
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Post by Lord of the Dance on Feb 19, 2006 17:06:54 GMT -5
Okey-dokey, Chapter Two...
Yoshi counted heads in his basement. “…Eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one… Yep, everyone’s here.” He sighed with relief. Troop was being mysterious and not very helpful now that he was bandaged and he had given his help. Yoshi made sure there were many fruit baskets in the corner. “Okay, now everyone, don’t go too far away from here. Who knows when those Bob-ombs will show up?” A few of the Yoshis, such as Cherry, Shadow, Leaf, and Kandi, were with Yoshi. They were helping herd the egglings, carry fruit, and keep overall peace. Shadow wiped his brow and looked up at Yoshi. “Hey… where’re all the peppers?” He asked. Yoshi grinned and shook his head. “You’ll have to live without them for a few hours, at least, Shadow.” He replied. Shadow is a black Yoshi. He isn’t very serious, but has the potential to be. He has calculating black eyes that twinkle when he jokes. Cherry is a red girl Yoshi who has a temper as fiery as her color. She has aggressive brown eyes and toned muscles. She looks as if you annoyed her, she could jump at you from anywhere in the world. Leaf was another green Yoshi with a calm, pleasant look about him. His eyes are a deep, almost gray-blue color. It feels almost as if you could get lost in them. Kandi was an incredibly hyper pink Yoshi that loved- you guessed it- candy. She’s good friends with Leaf. She has wild, overly happy green eyes. She has an incredibly short attention span, and gets lost very easily. Leaf feels as if it’s his duty to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself. Troop took it as his job to talk the eggling Yoshis to sleep. They couldn’t keep their eyes open after he started drawling on about the texture of Koopa shells. Shadow came up behind him. “You’re pretty good with kids, aren’t you?” He grinned, eyes bright. Troop scowled and looked up at him. “No, I just owe it to you dinos to help out at least a little. I don’t mind about the island too much, I just don’t want you guys to get hurt.” He snapped back. “And when I learned about it, it didn’t seem so boring to me…” Yoshi watched over all his friends, and settled a squabble between to egglings on napping space. He wanted to call for Mario or Luigi to help, but stopped himself. No. I can do this myself. Really, we’re Yoshis… And it would make me look dependent on them in front of the other Yoshis. They need me as a leader, not an SOS signaler. He decided. -----------------------------------------------------------------
I'm no good at suspence XD
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Post by Teo on Feb 20, 2006 3:28:30 GMT -5
New characters, oh boy! The story keeps going on, long live the story XD!
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Post by Enrique on Feb 20, 2006 8:06:29 GMT -5
It's a very good chapter! Very descriptive chapter. Your sense of description is very good.
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Post by Leoshi on Feb 20, 2006 10:51:51 GMT -5
Nice work, and a great description! Keep it up!
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Post by Lord of the Dance on Feb 20, 2006 19:03:43 GMT -5
Alright, chapter three. Thanks so far, guys! ^^
To Yoshi’s many friends, the leaders in the various towns around the island, this couldn’t have been a trick. It wasn’t Yoshi’s style. They had made sure everyone knew the fire drills, and where to hide. They made sure none of their fruit was about to go bad in the coming days, either. Back where Yoshi is, the egglings were playing in front of him while Troop stared at the dinos having fun. They were located in front of the shelter, enjoying some sunlight. Troop’s eyes widened as he realized his mistake. He hadn’t sounded the escape alarm. Nobody but he knew of the captive’s little acrobatics show last night, and they could bomb this entire island at any minute! “Everyone, get inside that house!” He suddenly exclaimed. “Why? We’re safe until that creature shows its ugly face.” Blanco questioned. “One problem with that.” Troop corrected. “I chased straight after him, and I wasn’t with anyone else.” Yoshi’s nose went pale as he realized what Troop meant. “Blanco, Lemon, grab the egglings.” Yoshi directed. “Leaf, Kandi, Cherry, Shadow, grab the fruit and round up anyone who decided to take a walk!” He ordered. Everyone nodded in agreement, and took off for their tasks. Yoshi sighed, and looked over at Troop. “Any reason you hadn’t thought to tell us before?” “I didn’t remember. I was in shock, mind you, and I wasn’t thinking. It’s not my fault, since they were bound to blow this thing off the face of the earth anyways.” He had just developed a liking for these dinosaurs, too. So this is what the infamous “Yoshis” are like… The many-colored Yoshis darted into the open door, while Yoshi counted them. “Eighteen, nineteen, twenty… Hey, where’s Blanco?” He checked again, just to be sure. It was true; Blanco was nowhere in sight. “Look, over there!” Kandi pointed. “A really fast cloud!” Yoshi couldn’t help but follow her eager finger past the wall, through the door, and out at a small white dot racing towards them. “BLANCO!” Yoshi bellowed, running out of the way of the door. Blanco dashed into the doorway, then stopped and panted heavily. “What were you thinking!?” Yoshi demanded of him. “This is what I was thinking.” Blanco grinned, and held out his hand. On his palm rested a tiny seed. “A Super Happy Tree decided to drop a few seeds. Nothing bad can come out of trying to save one or two.” He explained. “Okay, but no more secret missions.” Yoshi forgave him. It was a good idea, but a bad time. Suddenly, they heard a rumbling. “Uh-oh.” Troop groaned. Leaf was hushing Kandi, who was about ready to run away if the ground rumbled any more. The egglings huddled in the middle, and Shadow, Cherry, and Lemon were keeping an eye on them. The roof suddenly tore off in an explosion of fire and debris. “AHHH!” Someone screamed. Yoshi fell to his knees when he got knocked on the back by a brick. He made sure he covered his neck with his hands, and closed his eyes. He couldn’t help but peek to see if his people were doing better than he was. He caught a glimpse of a rather large section of roof falling towards him- and no one else could see! -------------------------------------------------------------------
I apologize in advance, the chapters get progressively shorter as the story goes on. They get longer near the end again, though.
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Post by Enrique on Feb 20, 2006 19:17:35 GMT -5
I like your suspence at the end of this chapter. This is definately keeping me interested!
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Post by Leoshi on Feb 21, 2006 14:19:46 GMT -5
Nice idea! Again, very good use of suspense! Keep it up!
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Post by Teo on Feb 22, 2006 4:11:45 GMT -5
Oh no!! What's going to happen next? (Very unnoriginal line right there folks)
The yoshi's seem so living in this story... they can't die! Or will they? I'm going to have to sit through and see the next chapter!
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Post by Lord of the Dance on Feb 22, 2006 22:04:43 GMT -5
Chapter Four. Yay.
Splinter closed his eyes in concentration. How did it go again? His memory capacity was still developing; he may not remember how he got here unless he reminded himself. He squinted; he could see the memory like a movie unfolding right before him… Splinter shuddered, and looked around the large room that was his home. All he knew was the dull, gray walls, the angry faces of the Koopas, and every once in a while, a Boo or Shy Guy. His keeper was a small Magikoopa kid that hadn’t gotten Named yet. He still needed to “graduate”, whatever that meant. He knew that it had been explained to him numerous times, but he never had the attention span to remember the whole thing. It had something to do with Naming… As long as he could remember, he was called Splinter. He once saw his reflection in one of the small ponds around the castle: he was a tallish green dinosaur, with deadly-looking fangs, vast wings that didn’t do him much good with flying yet, and a long, whip-like tail that forked at the white tip. He had clawed toes that pierced his blue shoes, and red marks on his back. His eyes were gold-red, and he had four blue spikes running down the back of his head. Splinter knew he was made somewhere, and wondered if anyone else was made like him. He had knowledge of quite a few things, but his memory capacity wasn’t magically enhanced like the rest of him yet, and he could only hold on to a little at a time. What he could remember, though, he made the most of. He also knew that a Magikoopa named Kamek (he must have graduated) and King Bowser (but he couldn’t remember what “King” stood for…) were always making plans. He wanted to help, be a part of it, but they didn’t seem to notice him when he tried joining the conversations. He had figured out that he needed to just wait and see what they did, and learn from it. He hoped to be a great general like King Bowser, but he never figured out why Bowser always came home defeated-looking. Whenever Splinter asked, his keeper just shrugged. Splinter supposed he didn’t know, either.
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Post by Enrique on Feb 22, 2006 22:07:48 GMT -5
I love how you described Splinter's character in this chapter. I can't wait to see the next one!
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Post by Teo on Feb 23, 2006 4:15:05 GMT -5
WOW, that is the largest twist I've seen in a while... I went from 'oh no' to 'aaah!!' I wanna know what happens next, but then again, that's all the plot of suspense! I can't take it XD
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Post by Lord of the Dance on Feb 23, 2006 21:59:21 GMT -5
Alright, I'll hurry up and post this tiny chapter before you all die! XD
Chapter five!
Splinter had another phase of memory, back to yesterday (he was getting better at this!)… Splinter walked around a corner, and then noticed his keeper and King Bowser having a conversation. Since they tended to walk away whenever they noticed him, Splinter hurried back around the corner. He wanted to hear about a great battle, or a war plan. He hadn’t expected this to come to his ear, though. “This is your chance to graduate, Magi K. If you succeed in guarding my castle for a few days while I leave, then I’ll give you a direct scholarship to that tinker’s union you want to join so badly. You won’t have to research anything, or do any extra experiments besides the one you’re doing right now to gain their approval, I’ll see to that. But if you fail… I’ll have you doing a special report on those Yoshis you’re so interested in, just for me.” King Bowser said. “Yes, Lord. I-I’ll do my best, sire. I mean, sir.” His keeper replied. What were they doing now? Splinter didn’t understand. He wanted to learn about wars, or battles… But this was surprising; something he just couldn’t grasp. An experiment? Yoshis? What were these strange things he had never heard of?
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Post by Enrique on Feb 23, 2006 22:05:13 GMT -5
I am posting after this tiny chapter! XD
This is a really good chapter. It explains a good amount of what this story's plot is going to be.
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Post by Teo on Feb 23, 2006 22:08:30 GMT -5
Oooooo... that sparks my interest! I want to know what happens next following this 'small' chapter... I wanna see I wanna see, but I shouldn't go on about that, you've already done some good chapters so far. Keep it up Yoshee!
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Post by Lord of the Dance on Feb 24, 2006 22:02:48 GMT -5
Chapter six... Whoopee.
Another memory. Splinter was surprised that he could remember this much in so little time… Curiosity was driving Splinter batty. He could hardly eat when it was mealtime; those questions inside him were swirling so madly in his head. He decided that he would have to go find out for himself, since his keeper told him to mind his own business when he had asked about the Yoshis. Something about them seemed familiar… That night, Splinter crept silently up the side of the castle. He had only seen the night sky a few times before; he knew the small, bright objects up there were stars, but the intricate patterns they sparkled in were foreign to him. He shook his head and looked back down at the path. Good, they only had one guard on duty tonight. Unfortunately, it was a Paratroopa. Those things were a little faster than the regular guards, but at least it wasn’t a Koopatrol. Splinter knew he could take this guy on. He crept up silently behind him, then jumped and flared his wings so he blotted out the stars and moon to the small Paratroopa. It didn’t even have time to shout before Splinter body slammed it. “Ow…” That had hurt more than he thought it would. The Paratroopa’s wings buckled, and it dropped out of the sky. Splinter hoped he hadn’t killed it; it was one of King Bowser’s valuable troops. Splinter’s eyes quickly darted from left to right, and back again. How would he get off the castle? He was in a fever of thought. How would he get back? What would he do once he was over the ocean? How did he plan on flying somewhere, when he didn’t even know where he was going? Those questions, I’ll answer later. For now, let’s answer the biggest ones. He reassured himself. He caught a glimpse of something glittering in the light of the nearly-full moon. A cannon! His problems were solved. He’d just shoot himself out of the cannon, in the direction that most likely was land from out here. He knew there was something wrong with that plan, but he didn’t have time to place his finger on it. The Paratroopa could wake at any moment. Splinter hoisted himself into one of the cannons, and took off into the night with only the unfamiliar stars to guide him. …So that was how he got here. Splinter told himself not to forget it.
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Post by Teo on Feb 25, 2006 0:22:26 GMT -5
I love it... I absolutely love it!! I don't know what to say, I'm running out of compliments! Absolute goodness! You are doing GREAT!
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