Just Joking

[Voshee]

Hi, this is were you can tell the funniest or nt so funny jokes that you know. Anything and everthing goes, so have fun with it

[Lazo]

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

[charzhii]

A woman was making some scrambled eggs in the kitchen when her husband bursts into the room, screaming at her.

"Oh my god! No, you have to put the heat on low! How many eggs did you put?! You're only supposed to use three yolks if you're using five eggs! Keep your hand on the panhandle! Put more butter so it doesn't stick! Oh my god, we need more butter! OH MY GOD WHERE WILL WE GET MORE BUTTER? No, don't mash it up, you have to fold it over and then you have to mix it up! You're doing it all wrong, let me do it!"

The woman stares at him. "What's the matter? Don't you think I can cook eggs fine?"

"Oh, I know you can cook," the man replied.

"I just wanted you to know how it feels when I'm driving you somewhere."

[Voshee]

LOL, guys those are really funny well keep them coming

[Lord of the Dance]

XD

Three men are stting together. One guy says to the other two,

"Hey, I betcha I could run across the ocean and back."

The other two agree. The man smiles and says, "Okay, I'm done."

Then, another man speaks up.

"I betcha I could run across the world, then!"

Well, we haven't seen him since.

[UMS Author Lava]

Ansem made a pure-logic robot. Nothing we did could phaze it. So, we decided this:
Lava: Just so you know, everything Treyba says is a lie.
Robot: A-LIE?
Lava: Yes, a lie.
Robot: OH-I-SEE.
Treyba: Hey, robot: I'm lying.
Robot: YOU-ALWAYS-LIE-SO-YOU-ARE-REALLY-TELLING-THE-TRUTH-BUT-WAIT-YOU-ALWAYS-LIE-BUT-YOU-MUST-MEAN-THE-OPPOSITE-OF-WHAT-YOU-SAID-NO-WAIT-THAT-WOULD-MEAN-HE-IS-HONEST-MALFUNCTION-MALFUNCTION-MALF--
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!*

[Lazo]

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your mother-in-law. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE....................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!"

[UMS Author Lava]

Why does a Mexican re-fry their beans? Have you seen a Mexican do anything right the first time? --Sangre Yoshi

MAN, I got scarred for mentioning that one...
That's a bit racist, y'know?

[Voshee]

That is so funny guys

[Soul]

bloodoftheyoshi said:

I'm going to tell some good ol' Mexican jokes... And yes I'm qualified to do this, I am Mexican.

If you're saying those jokes then you're obviously not a Mexican at heart anymore. If you say you're qualified for this then that would make me even more qualified than you, as I STILL live in México, and STILL speak Spanish for that matter (unlike you). Please disregard "Sangron Yoshi's" distasteful jokes...

Why didn't you say something like this instead, given that you're supposedly so Mexican?

An American, an Indian (yes from India) and a Mexican were standing in the middle of hell, the devil himself sitting in front of them. "Welcome to hell" he said. "I will be generous and give each of you a special opportunity to go to heaven, all you have to do is survive 3 hits from my whip. To make things easier, I'll let you cover your back with anything you want." Then the American quickly stepped up and said "I'll go for it". He then grabbed the biggest rock he could lift and placed it on his back. "Ready?", said the Devil. Slash! The rock crumbled to pieces on the first blow. "Oh my, I think I'd rather stay in hell... I give up" said the American. Then the Indian stepped up and went for it. He sat and started to meditate very very deeply. "Ready?", said the Devil. slash! The Indian didn't move at all. "Ahh, interesting" said the Devil. slash! The second blow landed on the Indian's back with great force. Still, the Indian didn't move. "Very impressive" said the Devil. On the third blow, slash! the Indian was still unaffected by the whip's incredible force. "Ok", said the Devil, "You can go to heaven now". As the Indian was leaving the scene, the Mexican quickly stepped up and said "I can use anything I want, right?". "Indeed, that's what I said", said the Devil. Then the Mexican quickly grabbed the Indian and put him on his back.

It's just a joke. And you kinda have to be a Mexican to tell jokes like those.

Oh ho hoh, a Mexican indeed... yeah right.

[Lazo]

Or maybe jokes are supposed to pass through race and gender barriers. Relax.

----

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that.

For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

[Soul]

Or maybe jokes are supposed to pass through race and gender barriers. Relax

Only a person that has no friends would live by that standard.

[Lazo]

yoshisoul said:

Only a person that has no friends would live by that standard.

Now that was hardly fair, now was it? Evil Knievel couldn't even make that leap.

-----

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,

"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

[Lord of the Dance]

Can we drop this argument, please?
------------------------

Two people were standing on opposite sides of a river. One shouted to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

The other one shouted back;

"You are on the other side!"

[Tsukasa]

On my bus route there's a guy called joe and we were waiting for him on the bus. we saw him in the window eating his pancakes so we waved at him to get on the bus.
all he does is keep eating.
then we call him and tell him the bus is waiting.
he keeps eating.
the bus starts to drive away and you see a fat kid run out the door.

[Not-Garr]

Tsukasa...that joke made no sense.
---
The Amazing Marisol, master hypnotist was slated to star at the Aroma Theatre in one of her world-famous preformances, during the preformance she produced a beautiful gold pocket watch, and held it up for all to see, planning to do her famous 'audience hypnotism' trick.

"See this pocket watch?" she said calmly, beginning to swing it by its' chain, the audience following it with their eyes, "My great great grandfather gave it to my great grandfather, and he to my grandfather, and so on, it's a priceless family heirloom." she continued to swing it gently, when the chain slipped out of her grasp, the watch shattering into a million pieces.

"Crap," she said.

...It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

[UMS Author Lava]

<insert nauseous smiley here, ah I'll just do my own>
[glow=red,5,000]O.O
>.<
X.X[/glow]Man, that was sick, Rage!!!
Anyway, new joke:
One day, we decided to play "Superheroes". I was the Psyche Crusader, Treyba was the Spiked Goomba, Domino was Tropica Girl, Don Tonberry was Superberry, and Fantasy Guy was Infinity Guy.
"Infinity Guy" taped on a sign with an infinite symbol on it. He could do anything, even make impossible objects real. Then, out of the blue...
Ansem: A-HA!!! Playin' "Superheroes", are ya? Good thing I'm prepared! I am Dark Eminem!! WHEEEEE!!!!
He fires dark shots at us. Then, Infinity Guy flies up.
Infinity Guy: Hold it, Dark Eminem!! I can do ANYTHING!
Ansem: ...OK...*writes something on a piece of paper* Hold this.
Infinity Guy: Sure. *takes paper* Why?
Then, Ansem points to the x0 he wrote on the paper.
Ansem: You idiot!! Infinity times 0 is 0!
With that, Infinity Guy was just Fantasy Guy, his flesh and clothes vanished, reducing him to a skeleton. Then his bones started vanishing one by one, and before his skull vanished...
Fantasy Guy: Stupid...
Then he was just a ghost. We were shocked and pummeled Ansem. Hahaha.
Ansem: Owwww...I wonder if I can consult Dr. Dre...

[PinkFloydYoshi]

bloodoftheyoshi said:

Woah there, Soul. Why do you get angry so quickly? Just calm down, this isn't a war over who's more Mexican than the other guy, this is a thread where you can tell whatever jokes you want to tell, excluding sexual jokes and jokes that contain bad language and, well you know what I'm talking about. And hell, I'll say it, you're a lot more Mexican than I am, and I wish I could speak Spanish, like I used to. But technically, I am still Mexican even at heart, and your opinions won't change that. Don't tell me I'm not Mexican, Soul, don't even start with that, you don't have to speak Spanish or live in Mexico, to be a Mexican. That's where my family comes from, and that's all I need.

What's the matter? You can't laugh at yourself? That's no fun... I told jokes about my own race, and if they offended you then too bad, because nobody really cares so long as they think it's funny. Go ahead, you can sit in the corner and away from everyone else. I don't mind, but don't tell me what I am and what I'm not. You still have my respect, Soul.

Hmm, unsure how to go from here, however, I'll point out, the British are very good at laughing at themselves. We've made fun of our standards, morals, the way parents bring up their children, and how the kid's react (All comedy value. Anyone heard of Harry Enfield and Roy chubby brown? They've always made fun of different aspects of the British economy, and to be honest, they portray us very well, and the end result always put's a smile on my face. Not every country is the same however. Those in America like to make fun of others, but sue for defamation of character when we poke fun back. Those in France generally hate the British anyway because, if I remember rightly, the French culled a lot of our cattle, so we would buy their beef, we found out, and we've been at war ever since, but that's just a couple of examples. Not everyone can laugh at themselves, it seems, but I see no reason to send potentially hurtful remarks to someone who resides in the same country, that decided to have a laugh at his country's ecomomy, when they're just jokes. I'm patriotic to a degree (I'm not 'for' the way Britain is going, and I want to leave...). I'll defend the country if those in other country's blame us for something, we would never do. It wasn't long ago we were flamed by America because we apparently blamed them for the pope's death. I was rather annoyed about that and defended the country, but I'm not proud of being British, we've got a goit in power. And the other candidates are goit's too. Terrible.

Let's try this joke thing, now I'm here. I'm pretty certain I'll fail here too...

When it comes down to determining what gig is safest to goto, here, in Britain, would you rather goto a Westlife concert, and have the entire female crowd around you beating the side's of your face in with the really high pitch and nonsense screaming, or would you rather goto a Slipknot gig, and literally get your face smashed in?

If I had a choice, I'd pick the slipknot gig. Why? I don't get laughed at by the lads. Not only that, I don't get brainwashed by the morons on stage, prancing around the stage, doing a stupid dance routine and at the end of the gig, going "I love you mommy! I've succeeded where I wan't to go in life! Sing really crappy songs in front of lots of screaming fans that want me for my body", and looking moronic in the process. At least with slipknot, they'll spit at you, throw instruments into the crowd, and then there's the band's crowdsurfing. There's you sitting in the middle, where he comes down, and he punches you in the face because you're not moshing. At least when you get out of that, you can shout "I GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY THE HAND OF SLIPKNOTS LEAD SINGER!!! YEAH!!!".

Minimum embarrasment, Maximum dignity, but also Maximum pain =P.

God, my jokes are crap.

[Moot]

So this baby seal walks into a club...

_{go straight to hell, do not pass Go, do not collect £200}

[Voshee]

OK people brake it up Let us get back to th e funny now